Friday, May 9, 2014

No One Told Me

No one told me
 that these hearts would beat inside mine,
 forever at the same time.
And no one told me that my children's hearts
 would also
 beat outside my body
all at the same time, 
and get knocked around,
and hurt,
and bruised,
and cut,
and loved,
and I would feel all of that too... the same time.
I just wasn't prepared for the "unpreparable" part...
the life lived as it happened part...
the unforeseen
minute by minute part,
as a mother.
I wasn't prepared to hear how all the other mothers
did this that and the other thing
and how good they were at it,
and how utterly miserably failing
I seemed to be.
Yep, I was unprepared
for the trenches of mothering,
the sleepless nights
that I've never outgrown,
the soothing when nothing soothed
the meals cooked that didn't fill
 the hunger
the ache
the pain
of childhood,
that mothering can't mend.
I was unprepared for the rush,
the scurry,
the strained words
when personalities don't meld,
unprepared for such different personalities
bound together as siblings.
I mean after all, I'm the mother.
Shouldn't they have a few bits and pieces of me,
 beating inside them?
Instead it is their heart beating in me.
I was unprepared for the bittersweet knowledge
 that instead of teaching them
so many life lessons
important life lessons
the bigger lesson learned
was for me
to become more
to learn more
to be more
 as their mother.
And in my learning and growing
I wasn't prepared for the times that silence
took precedence over words.
I wasn't prepared for the longing
for them to see
and know
my love.
Loving them
in all my mistakes
in all my failures
in all the unpreparedness
of being a mother
in living life 
the best I knew how
every single minute
living each minute intentionally
and still messing up!
I'm flawed.
They are flawed.
But we are bound
and I've got their  heart
right here inside my unprepared self
because I'm
their mother.
And to one told me!
If you would like to see a couple of my other thoughts on mothering you can read about that here and  if you never read another word on this blog, please encourage yourself here.
But most of all I would love to hear a mothering story or two from you, because you are just that awesome!


Gloria Snelling said...

Rachel, I loved what you wrote! You are so gifted with words! Love you!
Aunt Annie

Victorian1885 said...

Lovely post today...have a great Mother's Day.

Donnie Pirtle said...

A beautiful expression of your feelings and love for your children. The depth of your feelings and the ability to put it all into words. AMAZING! Have a wonderful day and Happy Mother's Day!